My dear friend, it brings me great joy to speak about this topic today. I'm grateful that some of you have expressed the desire to maintain, improve, and even repair relationships with your children.

This is a topic that is dear and close to my heart. When I think on my own children, and can visualize their faces, their laughter, their moments of sadness, their successes, and disappointments, I feel a great swell of emotion inside of me.

My affection for them, and my relationship with them is of great worth, only second to that of my dear wife. But honestly I don't need to compare, and I don't need to feel competition or some form of relationship hierarchy...

My heart and your heart are big and expansive enough to include all of these people, and hold them in that place of tremendous worth. Don't succumb to jealousy or insecurity. We don't need to always be fighting to be the most important... and by now you know that this life is about so much more than just us.

My hope for broaching this key topic and discussion with you, is to hopefully turn your mind, your heart, and your energy toward these valuable relationships, that are so closely knit to our joy, purpose, meaning, and success in this life. My hope is that you and I will never close the door on these young ones, or old ones.

I'm also hopeful that this podcast can ignite and inspire you to take a step toward your children. That you will invest your time, your faculties, and energy into nurturing these key relationships. It is never too late... It is never too far gone... there is always a way. It may be a long road for some of you, but man, "a journey of 1000 miles begins with one step" right?... let's take that step, and perhaps this short podcast is step #1.

I have long heard the phrase "No success can compensate for failure in the home." I've given this quote much thought, and I want to immediately emphasize that no failure is chronic or terminal. Mr. Churchill's words are echoing in my ears right now, "failure is not fatal, success is not final" and that is how I would like for you to hear that initial quote. Our goal and objective is to strategically, effectively, and steadily move in the direction of success in our relationships.

Along this path there will be many missteps, broken promises, disrespect, moments of selfishness, and hurt... this is the path. It is a glorious and meaningful path. There are thorns, but also roses. Along this path you will also find righteous pride, humility, extensive growth, sacrifice, love, kindness, forgiveness, and divine transformation.

I dare say that nothing will demand more of you in this life than your relationships, and I must also say, that you and I must rise to these demands... little by little, small by small, line upon line, but slowly we must rise to become the kinds of people that our children will want to emulate; that our children will want to have a relationship with; that our children will want to share their lives with.

I have to admit to you, that my relationship to my Father was very estranged and distant. I also have to admit that in my pride, I justified and rationalized that distance because of things he had done, or things he hadn't done, but in doing that, I now realize that I didn't just hurt him, but I also injured myself. I don't think I realized the magnitude of those 1000's of little decisions made along the way, until I sat with him during his final hours of life, filled with bitter tears, and cried for his forgiveness.

My father was unable to speak, but I could see in his eyes an acceptance, and some regret on his part as well. My dear friends, life is not simple nor is it easy. Answers to the big questions are complex and require patient seeking, but this appears to be true to me... in this life, the most important skill and investment of your time and energy is relationships.

The creation, nurturing, and maintenance of your personal, professional, family, and spiritual relationships stands as the pinnacle of significance and meaning, and those with your children stand at the peak.

So what do we do?

Where can we start?

And are there some principles that you can hitch your wagon to, that will provide you with the highest probability of success in the short and long-term?

That is the object of this podcast.

I'm going to share some ideas with you that I have shared with parents for over 20 years. Ideas that aren't new by the way, these are ideas that I believe have stood the test of time, and yielded the best possible outcomes throughout history.

Before I share these with you, I would like to share two brief and foundational ideas:

1) You are limited. We are not meant to be ruled or controlled in this world. Our minds and spirits resist control. So whenever you attempt to force, cajole, control, or manipulate another person, you can expect active or passive resistance. This will not create the loving, trusting, and safe relationship that you are hoping for. Regardless of your fears, worries, or insecurities, if you attempt to control others, your outcomes will not be closeness, instead you will be greeted with passive bitterness, or open rebellion. I'm telling you this because we often justify and rationalize our attempts to control another, usually under the excuse that it will be for their good. I don't doubt your motivations, I'm just telling you that there is a better way, and I'll share what that is in a moment. Being limited just means that you are a being of influence, and influence is the most powerful tool we possess. There is a limit to what we can do. Our children will make decisions in this life that don't match your ideas, beliefs, or faith. You have chosen your way, they too must choose their way. Your job is to present and invite your path, or a path that you believe is intelligent, wise, and that will lead to a wonderful life. This presentation and invitation is not a guarantee that they will accept it or follow it. Your children are not mini-you's and they don't owe it to you, to follow your ideals. I hope you heard that... your children don't owe it to you, to be like you. You've given of yourself and sacrificed for them, and I have nothing but applause and respect for you, but let's be clear, that is a gift and an offering that you have given to them, and now they must choose what they will do with it. I think it's important for us to see our role clearly, because that will manage our expectations correctly.

2) Learn to deliver and model correct principles independently and without expectation. Independently simply means that what you promote in your home is independent of the outcome or whether it is reciprocated or not. Our behavior is not dependent on other people's responses or behavior. If we are functioning reactively instead of responsibly in life, it's time to look in, and do the work. It's time for us to upgrade our programming. No need to feel hurt or offended by my words here. We are all in need of a system upgrade. Life is dynamic and ever changing, and we must intelligently evolve with it. We are honest, honorable, forgiving, and loving, because we believe that these are higher more effective principles, and not because we want the approval or the reciprocation from others. Now the truth is, that when we bring kindness, understanding, and peace to our interactions, we significantly raise the chances that we will be greeted back with those very principles, but there is no guarantee here, and that is why i'm teaching you and encouraging you to live in this higher way. I'm also telling you this, so that when things go awry, you'll have a clear path forward... meaning, something that you can do, that you can focus on, and that you can invite and promote.

Ok, let's get to those brief tips that will raise the odds, and give you the best chances of staying connected, and/or repairing the connections to your children.

1. Nurture these personal skills and qualities: Look, it all begins with you... it all begins with me. You're the one that's here, you're the one that's listening, and you're powerful. When you act... when you move... when you shift... the ultimate outcomes change. Similar to an equation, once a variable shifts in value, the outcome is transformed. Be proud and committed to be the one that comes to the table. If you're still stuck in a personal psychology that others have to be the ones to start things, that they have to apologize first, that they have to make the first move... my awesome and dear friend, consider this your gentle wake up call, to raise your game, and to quit inviting misery into your life and honestly into the life of others. Instead, commit now to personally inviting and promoting the highest possible outcomes. Here are the skills that I suggest you pay attention to, and begin to nurture:
2. Gentleness. My good friend, you have valuable things to pass on to your children. Your experience, wisdom, and history have great value, but if your children's hearts are closed to you, because of your rudeness, tone, anger, infamous lectures, and forceful manner, how will those lessons ever break through their resistance? Lead with gentleness and kindness, to enhance your outcomes. In couples therapy, John Gottman calls this strategy, a soft start up. Don't provoke people, because most of times you'll get the horns. Don't ambush your children, or machine gun them down, with multiple attacks.
3. Meekness & Humility: Present yourself to your children as someone who has some knowledge and experience, but not all knowledge and experience. In my humble opinion, people are much more open and responsive to someone who does not present themselves as a dictator and ‘know it all.' It's up to you how you do this, but just be wise and approach discussions as interactions, instead of, "I have all the answers, and you have to do what I say."
4. Long Suffering: Now we're talking... doesn't long suffering sound like a great quality? Actually it is, because it communicates an important principle, and that principle is that things are a process... that they take time, and that when we accept that truth, we become more patient and long-suffering. We play the long game. So learn to be long-suffering, hopeful, and optimistic, because that is how you will get your best outcomes.
5. Avoid hypocrisy and manipulation. Look, I'm not a perfectionist, and I realize that none of us are perfect parents, and that some of the things that we encourage and teach our own children, are things that we ourselves are struggling with. There's an old saying that says "I would rather see a sermon, than hear one." I'm also reminded of the famous play, "Into The Woods" and the insightful words that are sung: "Children will listen, children will see, and learn. Guide them along the way, children will glisten. Children will look to you for which way to turn, to learn what to be. Careful before you say, listen to me. Children will listen. Careful the wish you make, wishes are children. Careful the path you take, wishes come true. Careful the spell you cast, not just on children. Sometimes the spell may last past what you can see, and turn against you. Careful the tale you tell, that is the spell... children will listen." Don't be gamey with your children... don't test them. If you know something, tell them you know something, and have a conversation about it, instead of interrogating and using manipulation. You can use leverage and negotiation, but remember it isn't just about persuading your children to see things the way you do, It's about teaching them to be persuasive in a respectful way.
6. Be respectful when you speak to your children. Use please and thank you. These are magic words. Listen to them and ask them for their opinion. Nurture respect in your home by giving it. I like to live by the old saying "If you want it, give it," and this is especially true in your home. Remember your home is not a factory, and your children aren't slave labor. Yes, I absolutely want and teach my children to contribute in my home, and may even leverage some benefits for that work, but learn to do so by modeling how to do it in a respectful way. Be respectful in your interactions with your children, and trust that that will promote and encourage a respectful interaction back from them. I know it won't always work, life doesn't work like that, but increase your chances by modeling great skills and techniques.
7. When you give consequences, provide a way out. Look, as parents we have an incredible opportunity and responsibility to teach, encourage, and hold our children accountable to their responsibilities and objectives. They need you. Sometimes there will be consequences that are meant to teach, and help them to experience the weight of choices... good and bad. When you remove privileges, or consequent your children for poor behavior and choices, remember to give them a way out. The more concrete the better. So instead of saying, "You can't have your phone until you have earned your trust," which is totally abstract, and who knows when you will feel a sense of trust again, give them specifics. "You can have your phone back, when you get caught up on your missing school assignments, or when your room is clean for a week, or when you can keep your curfew for a week, or when you make amends to the people that you have harmed or offended." Help them to feel hope and a sense of control... a sense that they can do something to gain that trust and privilege back, instead of making it this nebulous thing that no one knows how to get it back. Work through their problems with them. Remember that "many a truth is the result of an error." That's just how we grow... My guess is that that's how you grew, so don't be offended or shocked when they mess it up, just hop in, and help them to work the problem and resolve it with some poise, perspective, and skill.
8. Reprove with intensity when necessary, but always return with love. This is a key concept. I realize that sometimes our children will make significant mistakes that you may decide to address with more seriousness, and urgency, my suggestion is for you to do this sparingly, and whenever you do it, return with love, and look to reestablish the safety and respect of the relationship. It can be something as simple as... "hey, today was a hard day, tomorrow will be better, or, you know I've certainly made my share of ridiculous choices and mistakes in my life, I just want you to know that I love and respect you, and yes I'm concerned with your choices, but I'm also impressed with the amazing choices you've made and continue to do. Let's work through this one, and see what we can do." I believe that at our best, we can display a sense of optimism, creativity, and a willingness to repair and make amends. These are critical skills for your children now, and for their future. Let's model this for them. Let's show them that they can work through issues, and come out wiser, more experienced, and with hope. This will help them to see relationships as places that they can go for support, love, and trust, instead of seeing your relationship as a scary place, where they are constantly criticized, ganged up on, disliked.

I'm fully aware that there are so many wonderful skills and tricks, and things that work in your home. I'm just attempting to show you some general skills that I know will help you to create a place where your children will want to come to. I recently visited with a young man who said to me "man, iuri, i just don't want to go home. I feel like people don't like me there, I feel criticized all the time, I just don't feel my opinion even matters." I realize that kids say all sorts of things, and I take those things with a grain of salt, but I would be a fool to not listen to that, and make some changes. Remember that your words and actions are constantly promoting an atmosphere and culture. Do what you can to promote an atmosphere and culture of safety, loyalty, respect, and love... why? Because in those environments, things grow better... kids grow more confident, more respectful themselves, more creative, more successful in life, and in relationships. Do what you can, begin where you are, look in, do the work, and let's nurture these skills. Thanks for joining in today. See you soon.