My dear friends, it's wonderful to be here with you. I'm impressed with your commitment to invest in your personal development, and in improving those critical relationships and interactions in your life.

The question that one of you asked this week is of critical import, and I wanted to make sure that I created a podcast that addressed it, because... in one way or another, all of us have to manage expectations, and create personal and relationships boundaries.

Here's the question you posed:

"I Need some assistance in setting boundaries for helping adult children and younger children and or grandchildren out with finances. Should we not assist when they are struggling? Should we deny when they ask? How to collect when it's time? Keeping unity in the family with them? Being fair with each one with no favoritism."

Now there are a lot of questions here, and I want to make sure that I address each one, and perhaps discuss some principles and values that will assist you, regardless of your circumstance.

Let me go question by question... The answer to the first two questions (Should we not assist... should we deny when they ask?)... and honestly, the answer to those questions is maybe... sometimes yes, sometimes no...

Now, you and your partner or spouse may have specific rules such as: We are willing to pay for schooling, or school-housing, or to help with a service opportunity, or traveling, or co-sign a first car, business loans, investments, or help with the purchase of a home... these are guidelines that you and your spouse should talk about to create an overall sense of equality... but of course, life rarely stays within guidelines, and it's likely that other circumstances will occur, such as loans, emergencies, therapy, hospital bills, engagement rings, etc... those situations are flexible and, in my opinion, we want to address each one of these individually, and based on circumstances.

I'm definitely against favoritism - I definitely don't believe in favouring one child over the other at all -, but I'm also against fairness... If my children bring up fairness, my answer is always the same... "I don't do fair, I don't believe in fair, It's a failed construct, it doesn't exist, I don't even know why we are talking about it...

Now, I'm very interested in hearing what you are looking to do, how we can help, and then your mother and I will decide whether we will assist or not. This has nothing to do with your sister, or your brother, or the past or the future, it has everything to do with you... let's go, show me what you got!"

All of this of course depends on you. You may decide as parents to not give assistance at all... you may not be able to give assistance, and that of course is your decision. In regards to collecting, meaning if you are lending money with the idea that you are going to be collecting it, then my suggestion for you is to make that process as clear as possible... the better the boundary in this case... the better the outcome, and the less hurt feelings and resentments in the end... be specific, maybe even in writing... now this doesn't mean that you need to get a lawyer involved anytime you lend your children money, and this doesn't mean that exceptions can happen... you're not Chase Bank, you're mom and dad, so there may be some forgiveness whereas with an institution there would none.

Decide up front what you will do, communicate it with your children, and when it falls apart, come back to the table, communicate it again, come up with a new plan and move forward.

I'm telling you this so that you can go into these negotiations emotionally and psychologically prepared to deal with missed payments, and broken contracts... manage your expectations, so that when exceptions happen you can just settle in, take a deep breath, communicate with your children (remember clear is kind, unclear is unkind).

Work the problem (just address the issue and how to resolve it - no need to go into "this is what always happens with you... you did something similar when you were six years old blah blah blah" just work the problem, and write out the contract with your kids... in all of this, my north star is the relationship, and doing the best I can to operate from a place of congruence to my highest values, as a result I'm going to:

1. Listen to understand
2. Be clear in my conversation with my children
3. Express expectations (or own them as my own)
4. Talk to the individual itself, not to siblings or other people... loyalty and privacy is very important here, to ensure that i'm not complaining to my other children about my child... and
5. Be respectful, kind, loving, and honorable during these discussions, because we are dealing with more than money and contracts here, we are dealing with the overarching theme of how to best deal with people, struggles, children, and the world around us, and my job is to model what I believe is the best way to live a life full of meaning and joy. And of course, when these conversations go awry, we come back to the table and repair, repair, repair bringing with us hope and a willingness to move forward again. Practice these skills especially during the times when you and your spouse may choose to not lend the money, or to give the assistance, or to change a previous arrangement that you decide is no longer helpful. Be honorable, and exemplify the kind of character that you would want your children to model.

Remember that agreements may come and go. Expectations can change. Debts can be forgiven.

Help can be given or not, but in the end, keep your eye on what matters most, and what I believe matters most is the overall relationship with your children. Cultivate and nurture those relationships with safety, kindness and gentleness, seek to understand them, be loyal to them and their wellbeing, treat them with respect.

When feelings are hurt, when expectations and agreements are violated, work the problem and do what is effective, instead of launching into some attack on them and their character. Inspire their hope, and their ability to rise above and succeed, instead of battering them over the head with their failures, errors, mistakes, and short-comings simply to make your point.

Keep your wits about you, and focus on letting the best of you... your best values... your highest morals... summon those, and let them be the guiding force behind your actions.

When you lose it, and you most likely will, especially during moments of intensity, or when you're disrespected, or you feel wronged, come back, be a peacemaker, and do what you can to maintain a working, respectful, and loving relationship.

My final plea to you is to not lose hope in your children. Remember the struggles and disappointments that you had to go through. How long it took you to see things in a more realistic and responsible manner.

They have to travel the same path... they have to go through the pain, disappointments, mistakes, and hopefully with a loving and hopeful parent, they can navigate those rough seas of life, with a little more composure, honor, and courage.

Best of luck to you. Thank you for being a part of our community, and for contributing to the growth of everyone here. Feel free to share this with someone who you know is struggling or in this particular circumstance. Have a lovely day.